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My not so welcomed monthly visitor came today. On the outside I look unbothered (to a degree), while on the inside I feel like I need to climb to the top of a mountain and scream of the top of my lungs. My thoughts are screaming at me and my soul is crying. That is the best way to describe it!

I know my husband can feel my pain thru my short temper and me pushing him away with words. I know a hug would feel nice, but I know the tears will push thru and not stop for days if I feel his warm comfort, a voice telling me; "Everything will be OK."

With a husband who is home about 4 months out of the year and our timing is always off, with him having been home for a month now I was really hoping for another pregnancy. But with a sketchy ovulation cycle I knew the chance to get pregnant this month was slim. I still has a very small hope growing inside my heart.

I hugged my little boy today and told him he was my little miracle without even knowing how. I took my first pregnancy for granted and are now left to wonder if I will ever experience it again.

After we had to reschedule our appointment at the fertility doctor we are now a week away from a hope of having more children. My heart just feels like a piece is missing, and the only way to fill that void is with a growing family.

Tonight I feel soo lonely in my world of infertility. Even with my dear husband at home just 50 ft away in the other room.

I feel a dagger in my back...

My appointment is getting close and closer. My nerves are on the edge after 2 cycles of no ovulation, and knowing there is a good chance of my husband going back offshore any day. He might not even be home for our consult and deposit his part of the IUI process.

I got a text from a "friend" a few minutes ago where she said she was 3 months pregnant. I have secretly been telling myself that I will be pregnant before our only single friend left gets married and starts popping out babies. So needless to say I am a little jealous, mad, and very sad. The dagger that was placed in my back by myself today will stay there for a while.

I am only a few more days away from turning 35 ( the age whom a woman looses her eggs, vag go dry and it is all over) so I am not happy about my little sticky situation. I have blamed myself, God, my husband... So who is next? The one young childless friend I had left? I think so... At least for tonight.